mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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