The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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