This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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