you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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