shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
