Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
