He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
