I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
