so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
this just has baby written all over it
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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