I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
