i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
