I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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