At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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