U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
