im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
