I am in a vortex of obligation.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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