I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
