No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
