she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
40s are totally the cure
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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