there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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