You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
