Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
