If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
