i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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