i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
