So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
