i think my tv is drunk
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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