i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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