....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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