i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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