Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
