I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
