I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
