maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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