On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I love you.
Bad choice
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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