you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
