happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
