I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
