She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
