What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It was like getting head from an anaconda
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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