I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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