I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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