i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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