You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
