hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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