I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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