Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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