Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
