I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
