Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
