apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
